Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
