i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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