please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
