i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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