I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
