it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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