I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
