my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
