He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
