shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
