WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
