I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
