i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
