He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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