I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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