My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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