My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
