We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
