Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
