Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
