he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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