your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
