life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
