I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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