6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
