I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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