she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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