Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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