he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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