the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
