When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
