hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
