how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
