So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
