I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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