Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
there is puke in my bra ... again
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
