White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
