I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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