Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
