How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
