Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
