he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
