when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
