he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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