Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
