Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
