Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
