checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
