I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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