Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
