i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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